I realized I needed to speak up about this – and I don’t think this is hyperbole – grave threat to the very human condition – because it’s somehow infected the new Cadillac Lyriq, and is now showing up on videos about the car, like this one done by none other than our pal Doug DeMuro:
I have to hand it to Doug for maintaining his composure here; I can only imagine moments after this video was shot he was behind a tree, sobbing and vomiting and shaking all over, while one of Doug’s many handlers surrounded him, covering him with medicated salves and telling him that somehow everything will be fine. But everything will not be fine. Did you really get a look at what was happening there? There’s at least three steps involved here, and I’m being generous, because depending on what the center-stack display is currently showing or doing, you’d have to add more steps even to get to the menu with that “Controls” icon:
I know I’m not the only one who feels the same sense of rage and dread when they see this sort of thing happen, because I’ve already seen things like this:
— Peter (@Peter_M_V) October 10, 2022 This, of course, is the only reasonable reaction to being confronted with the touch-screen glove box release. I should be clear that I’m not trying to single out Cadillac or GM here, they just happen to be the most recent example of this madness, but it has existed before, like on the Tesla Model 3:
I didn’t speak out when the Tesla first demonstrated this, and that’s on me. I foolishly thought this was just some Tesla-only affectation, and there’s no way this poison could seep into the greater mainstream car market. I was wrong.
Speaking of wrong, what the hell is wrong with that guy in the Tesla video? How does he find this cool? Does he have a knee-buckling, pants-ruining orgasm when he goes to a grocery store and steps on the magic mat that makes the sliding doors open automatically? Jeezis, dude, stop encouraging this.
The touch-screen-actuated glove box is terrible because it’s one of those examples where carmakers have found that they have the technology to do something, so they do it, without considering literally anything about what they’ve done. Did anybody want this? At all? It takes something that has never been a problem, opening a glove box, and added cost and complexity to the construction, and added time and inconvenience to the process. No problem is solved, but a fuckload of new problems are introduced.
What if your battery dies, and you have your small emergency charger in the glovebox? Tough shit! What if you’re waiting in a turned-off car while your friend or parent or lover pops inside the liquor store, and you need to get, say, your hyper-important pills out of the glove box? Again, tough shit. And, if you’re thinking, “hey, stop worrying, I’m sure they have an emergency mechanical release for the glove box somewhere,” then I encourage you to fuck right off and take a moment to think about the deep, hurtful idiocy of that statement.
Did they do focus groups for this feature? Did they get responses like these?
I hate this so much. Nobody wants this. Nobody needs this. You want to make the car seem fancy, just make a physical latch for the glovebox out of something nice instead of, you know, crap. Though, with that advice in mind, if I was offered a choice between a conventional glove box latch made from composite material sourced from the hydraulically-compressed feces of convicted sex offenders or a menu-based touchscreen glovebox release, I’ll have mine with the pervert shit plastic, thanks so much.
“Is there any way to make simple acts I’m used to doing a real fucking chore?”
“How can I be sure every single tiny fucking thing on this car will be an expensive hassle to repair in 10 years?
“If the battery dies, is there any way to fuck me over even more than normal? Like, you know, hard?”
“Can you just smack the shit out of me over and over again with like a slab of roast beef, or is there some electromechanical and software solution you can integrate into the car for the same effect?”
What if you get pulled over by a cop, and they tell you to turn your car off, like they do, but then you have to explain to the already tense cop that you need to turn your car back on so you can open the fucking glove box door so you can get your documents? Depending on the cop and the circumstance, this can only make things worse.
What’s the problem this was supposed to solve, again? Opening a glove box was too obvious? Too easy? The mechanism was too long-lasting and cheap?
Carmakers are fundamentally like huge, dumb animals. When they do bad things, you have to be firm and forceful and tell them NO BAD, loudly and often, and that’s where we are right now.
So, GM: NO. BAD. BAD COMPANY. Stop. The right thing for GM to do right now, at this very moment, is to recall every single fucking Lyriq out there and retrofit a real glove box latch onto these. I do not care what it costs. It’s worth it. They should also send fruit baskets or cookie assortments or something to every owner that had to deal with this horseshit even once along with a formal apology. And the company should pledge, hand on the gold-covered skull of William Crapo Durant, to never, ever pull this shit again.
You know what? Make Tesla do it, too. Recall every Model 3 with this stupid touch-screen glove box release setup and go through the same shit I said GM should do, but swap William Crapo Durant’s skull for Elon’s groin or something.
Any other car maker who has committed this atrocity should do the same, but I’m not going to look up who else may have done this because I’m a caring, tender human and my very soul can’t take the onslaught of knowing how far this bullshit has spread. It just has to stop. Now.
I’m very curious to see if anyone disagrees with me in the comments. Could there be people out there who like this insipid horseshit? Is it possible? Could there be masochistic, perverse simpletons out there who want to navigate a fucking touchscreen menu to open a lid inches from their fucking stupid fingers? That can’t exist. There have to be more Sasquatches that read this site than blighted morons who somehow, perversely want touch-screen-menu based glove box latches. In fact, I hope there are. I’d rather spend time with Sasquatches, any fucking day.
So, again, to all automakers now or in the future: DO NOT MAKE GLOVE BOXES OPEN FROM A TOUCH SCREEN MENU.
NO. BAD. STOP.
Go to Harbor Freight, spend 20bux on a Sledge Hammer and duct tape.. BASH the LIVING SHIT out of the Glovebox… WHEN Im done, tape it up.
THATS what GM gets from M E by putting one of the EASIEST FUCKING THINGS TO OPERATE.. though a FUCKING TOUCHSCREEN!
With the touch of a button, usually on the driver’s door, you can engage all of the locks. This makes sense because otherwise you’d have to stretch and lean and contort yourself to individually lock each door. And if an automaker wants to move that function to a touchscreen, well, whatever. It might add some fishing through menus, but it still eliminates all the physical gyrations, which is the point.
The glove box latch? No matter how you open it–physical button, cue stick, Harry-Potter-style spell–you still have to lean over to put in or take out an object. Utterly needless complexity.
Keep fighting the good fight, Jason.
And – AND – you have to MANUALLY close the glove box once you’re done with it. I mean, you need to submit a credit check and the results of your last colonoscopy to the infotainment panel in order to open the “futuristic” glove box, but then you have to use your hands to close it, like a poor.
I mean, the entire fucking European Union voted to force Apple to use USB-C for the next iPhone, but we can’t get legislation to stop this touchscreen bullshit?! Forget abortion rights, forget fights about the border…THIS duck-dicked glove box fuckery needs to be the next hot-button topic for all politicians this November. If this doesn’t scream “bipartisan issue”, I don’t know what does.
So you can’t even turn on the headlights without using the touchscreen?!
See how long that lasts in their “modernized” home.
But I see that as market opportunity: there must be a way to activate the latch either by CAN bus or acting straight into the in the circuit. Maybe I will starting build buttons that fits the glovebox lid and and blend with the design, with battery backup. They won’t sell right now, but once these things start changing hands full of eletrical issues, they will go as hot cakes.
Because it’s “smart”, I can’t just go over there and switch it on.
No.
To turn it on, she has to unlock her phone, open the app, turn it on in the app.
Sometimes the stupid app needs to update itself before allowing her to turn it on.
Her WIFI-connected “Smart” lightbulb is one of the dumbest and most poorly implemented applications of technology I’ve come across in a while. The only “benefit” it provides is it enables you to turn the light off and on even if you’re far away from home… to “scare away robbers and other baddies”
LOL – as if…
There are good versions of smart lightbulbs though… such as the ones I bought from Ikea that have a simple wireless controller that requires no WIFI. It’s a simple round button in the middle to turn it off and on and buttons along the side to control the brightness and hue.
You can use an app to control it, but it’s optional.
But I predict we will see more bad technology because many who don’t know any better get wowed by it (like my GF with her not-smart lightbulb) and buy it.
Thats what Im resorting to when I hear SMART…
I hate the touchscreen thing with a passion.
Tesla made the Model 3 interior as a cost cut measure and sold it as the future.
GM did this so they could try to be cool like Tesla.
